Image: Boykung from freedigitalphotos.net
In India, more than 70% weddings are arranged. It’s called “arranged marriage” because the marriage is properly organized by two family members where they encourage two strangers, absolute strangers, to meet, sometimes once and sometimes more than once, and take the biggest decision of their life based only on those couple of meetings. And within next few days, you see them as a married couple. It might be fascinating to some but repulsive to others. One mere thought of getting married to some stranger can give you nightmares. You might get plunged in uncertain thoughts – Is he “the one” for me? How can I marry someone whom I am not in love with? What will be my life after marriage? Will he be nice to me after marriage? And the list goes on. Let me tell you that getting such thoughts are obvious because apparently a marriage invites a radical change in a girl’s life, not only on personal front but also on professional front. Her life plan takes many twists and angles.
So definitely you being a sensible lady have to take due consideration in choosing your life partner. There are few tips that you could keep in your mind when you go for your next meeting.
His body language hides many secrets
Pay attention to his body language. Notice whether he is acting too cool or too shy? Acting cool could mean that he is a show-off and attention seeker. This would not change even after marriage, and he’d be paying attention to every other thing except you. On the other hand, if he is too shy, then chances are that he is not a social person, and he would expect you also to remain out of the social crowd and accompany him in his boredom. If his shyness is just because of your presence, which may be a possibility, then it should fade away in a while after few lines of conversations. If it doesn’t, then bid him good bye. No, not my type.
Talk about his career plan
I know you must be thinking why should I be checking on his career aspirations? I am not a career counsellor after all. The thing is, this way you will get to know how ambitious he is. Because his regards to pursue career and being independent will cast a shadow on your ambitions too. So, if you are a career ambitious woman or love to be independent, then rather than asking about your career plan to him, first ask his career plans. If his career plans sound too ambitious then think whether your career path is aligned to his. You should be able to get a picture whether you need to sacrifice your ambitions to get that person in your life. Or do you want to be the other girl on the corner of the street who is like “I can give up anything and everything for my darling hubby” – seriously? I mean really seriously?
Tell your career plan on that coffee table itself
Do not wait for another right moment to tell him that you desire to work after marriage. Talk to him right there. And make sure that you do not sound as if you are asking his permission to pursue your job. You don’t need to ask, you need to inform and you both need to plan together.
Talk about other women
Yes, you heard me right. Ask about the female members of his family. Talk about any other girl in this world. Notice how and what does he talk about them. This will reveal many points. Firstly, you’ll get to know how women are treated in his family. Secondly, you’ll know how he thinks about other women in general because this is how you will be treated in his life. The one who doesn’t pay respect to other women will definitely treat you the same. It’s just a matter of time.
Ask him whether he expects any dowry (oops, monetary gifts actually!)
I know this sounds bit weird because no guy will ever agree to that. However, here is the thing. If his parents are demanding gifts in any form, something like, help in arranging wedding ceremony and all, which is the most common heard excuse, and he doesn’t oppose at all, then BACK OFF. Seriously, it’s a Big Red Flag. That’s a serious indicator that he is a dead follower of his parents as well as money. Generally, guys put blame on their parents that it’s them not him who want money. Anyway, you just stop putting any effort in convincing him and don’t go for that proposal no matter what happens. Despite this, if you go for such proposal, it will only bring you regrets and nothing else. Girl, take your stand, talk to your parents and reject the proposal.
Notice how he and his family are treating your family members
It is said that “A marriage is not only bondage between a boy & a girl, but also a unison of two families. If his family doesn’t pay a heed to this fact and act superior just because they are from the groom side then YOU take stand for your parents. Your parents and your family have no reason to be less empowered for being a girl-sider. If they want to make you a part of their family then they should be paying the same level of respect to your family too. If not, then you know very well what to do.
Be alert till the day of marriage
Even if the marriage is fixed, it doesn’t mean that you cannot back off. Keep an eye on the boy and their family members whether they are acting the same way after confirming the proposal. If you feel anything dubious, be courageous to call off the relationship even on your big day. A step of courage taken to save your whole life is worth of short embarrassments and criticisms. Do not bother about society or your image because good people will always support your intention and bad people will always criticise no matter what you do. So, why care?
What girl’s parents should do in this whole process?
Mom and dad, your daughter is going through one of the most significant moments of her life. She needs you by her side. All you need to do is to be supportive and sensitive to her decisions.
Keep calm, and trust your daughter. She’ll never let you down; rather she is trying to protect herself as well as you from the life-long pain.
Behave maturely. Stand with your daughter in her decision. Discuss with her why she thinks that the boy is not suitable for her. If she gives any of the above mentioned reasons or any other valid reason, be thoughtful to consider that.
Be patient. Sometimes it takes time to find a suitable boy for your darling daughter. Do not pressurise her to select any tom, dick and harry just to get rid of your responsibility.
Educate her and make her empowered. The best gift that you would ever give to your daughter is to educate her. Let her be independent and empower her to take wise decisions.
Be courageous. Even if you and your daughter have to take some bold decisions in hard-time, be confident and courageous to confront any negativity from society. After all, your daughter’s happiness cannot be compromised. Believe in this and go for the right choice; rest other things would be a history very soon.
All at last, to all the single ladies: Your wedding is just an event to others, but for you, its your future. Take time , as much as you want to find your Mr. Right.
Shweta Kumari Sharma
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